Useless Feedback – Open Book Blog Hop #428

♦Welcome to another edition of the Open Book Blog Hop!♦

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Topic #428

What is the worst piece of writing advice you’ve ever received?

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There’s so much bad feedback and advice out there for any field you could pursue. The worst among it is what we now label Toxic Positivity. A lot of these pep talks never sat well with me. The person spouting the jargon back at me clearly ignored my individual experience and failed to give much thought to my personal situation. That’s exceptionally sad when those folks are friends and colleagues who claim to care about you. I wouldn’t do this to a stranger. In fact, I’ve learned to be honest but compassionate to a fault.

The best thing to come out of the toxic positivity movement were the demotivational posters. These little memes were painfully honest, but they gave me a laugh. In comparison to toxic positivity that made me think I failed because I wasn’t doing enough or I didn’t want it enough, that was a breath of fresh air! Unfortunately, toxic positivity still proliferates. Pushing back is key. Whenever you get toxic positivity feedback, ask them probing questions as to why they think that’s a helpful bit of advice. For instance, when they say, work hard, ask them why they think you’re not.

Unfortunately, a lot of things people say are just parroted niceties they think will make you feel better. There is not thought in them. In fact, it comes from a place of not wanting to be uncomfortable. Yes. They think your concerns and worry are uncomfortable. If not, they have little to no experience supporting someone they care about other than repeating a nicety and brushing it off. Yikes! That may sound harsh, but think about it. Why are they reading you 99c card sayings instead of hearing what you have to say and talking about it? Would they want you to spout a nicety at them when they’re struggling?

Even just talking about it without finding a solution is helpful. The person with the problem mostly wants someone to hear them. Someone truly hearing your concerns can help you talk through the issue and get your brain to unpack it more effectively.

Returning to the idea of hard work paying off… If you’re working on it, you’re doing enough. If you are resting, you’re doing enough. When you need to regroup and plan, or take a breath, that is just as much work as writing or promoting. Don’t let someone (not even yourself) tell you otherwise. Not to mention, getting back up right away may not be the best thing. Processing our hurts is important. Stuffing them down will make our health suffer. As someone with depression, anxiety, and CPTSD, I seriously don’t need to ignore the hurt and the moment and just brush myself off. That is dangerous.

Rejection is a big part of writing. Expect it. Expect a lot of it. In fact, expect more rejection than success. That is so normal. I hope you embrace it and grow from what each rejection teaches you about your writing. That’s feedback you can use for successful outcomes, by the way.

Within the range of toxic positivity, the worst piece of feedback that I ever received was: Don’t Ever Give Up. That idea looming over you is painful. There have been so many moments of abject fear that I was giving up, stopping, and that I failed by not doing enough or wanting it enough. It all came back to those words. For a writer, writing is like breathing. We just do this thing. There really isn’t a give it up possibility. The better advice would be: be sure to do plenty of self care. Rest is working on your writing, too. Writing and publishing is very hard, and you will need to regroup a lot. And, that is okay.

Yes, you do see others having to do a lot less to find success. That’s absolutely true. There are people who have access to opportunities fair or not. Don’t gaslight yourself into believing they have to fight like you. No two journeys are the same.

Rest and regroup. Don’t hold shame for doing so. Don’t beat yourself up for not having the connections you need in place already. That’s some more useful feedback.

Related to this is the idea that hard work is going to lead to success. That line is said with absolutes. The only hard work produces is a tired producer and a product that is maybe the best you can do. I mean, you can work your ass off but not know what you’re doing, so the quality of the end product isn’t guaranteed to be epic. Let’s be honest. Hard work does not guarantee success. Opportunity for success breeds success. Knowing what your best opportunities look like as they come along, being blessed with the best possible opportunities, that is what leads to success.

There is no one hustling harder than an artist trying to make things work when they have few to no connections in their field. It’s exhausting. There are so many dead ends. No one is out to help you. It’s lonely and consuming. Hard work will not change your outcomes for success, except on one front: You have a product that is finished to the best of your ability. Without at least that, you can’t get in line for success at all. But don’t fool yourself that it’s the front of the line you’ll be hopping into. You can’t possibly think other writers aren’t working hard–and what about where they are in their experience and journey?

While you shouldn’t compare yourself to other writers, because they’re not you and they are running their own career, not that you should take away some things from what they’re doing. For instance, what steps did they take? What steps do you still need to take? Identify their strengths. What are your strengths? What can you learn from them? Sometimes it’s comparing apples to oranges, but comparing another author to where you’re at can help give you an idea of what you need to do to help yourself.

When they say don’t compare yourself to another author, they mean not to look at their successes alone and then beat yourself over the head for not having the same or better. That’s not constructive. You can look at their steps and see if there is anything useful to learn. Many of us love to teach this stuff to other authors, anyway. There’s room for us all. Lots of readers are out here looking for books to read and love.

Here’s some great feedback, tips, and advice for writers: Rest. Rest as much as you write. Don’t ever think you can’t learn more about how to be better at what you do. Everyone’s journey is different and interesting and right for them. Ask for help and be helpful. Compare notes, not trophies. Be real. Faking success displays a lack of humility that will be clear to potential readers and colleagues, and they haven’t got time for that. Vulnerability is a strength not a weakness, but you don’t have to be a doormat. You’re loved. You’re working hard enough.

Click on the links below to find out what terrible feedback and advice other authors have been given in their writing journey. This is a great crowd of authors that you can be sure to learn a lot from. Don’t forget to subscribe to the blog so the hop is delivered to your inbox each Friday. Sometimes there will be a Zo Duck illustration in the mix.

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