When I was just turning twenty, I determined that I would never regret anything. That I would always be thorough of both forethought and intention. Meaning, I would give a good deal of thought to choices and be mindful in pursuing my decisions. I’m sure that’s pretty laughable to a lot of people. But, those people doubt the power of conviction in anyone because they often lack conviction themselves.
We judge the world we’re in by what is within. Despite what we may want to project to the world, what is inside of us doesn’t always equal what we want to be, or cherish, or admire. Am I cynical? Not very much at all. Rather, I am a realist. My science background demands that I remain realistic and test my assumptions. Most certainly people will get angry with my assumptions about them, because it creates dissonance with what they try to project, reveals what is desired to be kept hidden, and forces them to look into themselves, an often frightening premise for any human.
In my twenties I endeavored to keep up the promise to myself. Everything that I stated above was kept well in mind while I did so. You see, I don’t ignore my own humanity in all of this. I am just as susceptible as the rest of you to ignore myself and my truths. That said, I have done a lot of introspection and cleared a lot of nonsense from the inside. The dissonance I experience now nearly always comes in the form of not being able to make ends meet in my plans. I’m almost certain that I have thought things through as well as possible, likely I have, but there are variables I can’t account for in the numerous probabilities that may or may not occur. I tend to get hung up on the things that are least likely to occur, which are usually also the nightmare situation that could arise. Negativity is a monster that devours your dreams.
The source of my anxiety is my ability to see choices out to multiple conclusions, including bad ones, and knowing from experience that regardless of how well planned, I will often find myself on the darker spectrum. Is that negativity? As I said before, I am a realist. From my experience with my life, things don’t work out well even when they clearly should. There is always some taint of fuckery that wends through the result. For example, I finally get something I have long wanted, and it’s a one, two or even three off. If it’s an object, it’s got a chip or crack. If it’s food, it tastes like shit, or it’s so amazing I get addicted and gain weight and feel awful about myself. The disappointment saturates everything.
But, I don’t regret my choices. You see, I always did what was best for me, or someone I cared about, with what I had at the time. Somehow, despite the disappointments and struggles, I saw the end of a rainbow on April 1 and life is beautiful. I am learning so much, and that is the point.