Renowned local scholar, William P. “high trousers” Pennypacker, 39, was briefly detained last night by Upper Merion Police. Responding to a resident’s call of a “suspicious, intoxicated vagrant-type,” constables arrived on the scene of 201.c Needshank Meadows Drive to find Pennypacker, professor of mass media and communications at a nearby university, blind drunk on the porch of what was, apparently, his own home.
“We arrived at the scene to find Pennypacker obviously grossly intoxicated, reeking of gin, and in a visible, hostile, agitated state,” said Officer Ullifschultz. “He was dressed in an outlandish Scottish outfit, and holding what appeared to be a set of antique bagpipes,” continued Ullifschultz. “When asked to produce photo identification, the suspect flailed out at my partner and with his bagpipes, screaming: ‘Ye gits! Sod off!'”
Pennypacker was handcuffed and briefly detained. According to police logs, the professor was searched and found to be holding a very large, empty flask. He was released early this morning, to the care of his graduate assistant, who has asked to remain anonymous (but what a looker!) and all charges were dropped.
Said Irish and ‘Scotch’ (sic) fiends.
When reached for comment, Pennypacker briefly appeared on his porch, where the previous evening’s activities transpired and pointed out damage he said was done to his expansive, ornate Victorian-style porch. “Those effers will hear from my solicitor, Galusha V. Peppes,” Pennypacker stated.
Neighbors across the street assessed a much different version of the story. Roger Kaputnik was quoted, “It’s the same goddamn thing every Wednesday night. Pennypacker has bagpipe practice which we all think is just an excuse to go on a bender with his boozy Irish and Scotch buddies. Then he comes back from whatever dive bar they practice at and he wakes up the whole block with his noise and drunken bagpipe playing. Frankly, we’re goddamned sick of it. It’s about time he was put in cuffs.”
For the record, the Scottish are Scots…not Scotch—which is whisky. We apologize for Mr. Kaputnik’s ignorance.
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If you want to continue the shenanigans, you ought to be here.