Cheerleading Archives - Author K. Williams

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We’ve all been there: that spot where you feel a little stuck and need to hear some words of encouragement, maybe some direction, just to get you going again. And, we’ve all probably heard the same advice instead. It’s a piece of the worst advice ever. Not helpful. Self-serving. A waste of time. You might as well have never reached out to begin with. So frustrating!

What is one of the worst pieces of advice ever? Telling someone who is struggling to get their goals off the ground that they’re right where they need to be. Really? How is that helpful? That’s the equivalent of saying you’ll pray for disaster victims. Sure, many of you will disagree. You think that advice is great, because it is meant to cheer the receiver on. Besides, they need to get up and make a change for themselves. Sure, but let’s go over why saying this actually isn’t helpful.

For one thing, your intention of imparting a well-meaning idiom to cheer up a friend is about yourself, and not their situation (it both lets you off the hook and sounds good). Second, the person you’re saying this to knows that’s not true. They are uncomfortable and suffering for a very good reason: They Are Not Where They Need To Be. The discomfort one feels in such situations is a sign that things have stagnated and that they need to move on. But, how can you move on when you haven’t any ideas of where to move on to? That’s the whole reason for reaching out. This person is likely seeking a sounding board, or better ideas on which to find some traction.

Stagnation comes with a gamut of emotions, from apathy and anxiety to anger and fear. When we’re held back from our goals, the sense of unfairness becomes rather consuming. We look to others for clues, and there with these others we often see our goals manifesting in them, and often with the same exact efforts we had undertaken to no avail. It goes without saying that what works for one doesn’t always work for another. It’s an absolute that that doesn’t need to be said, and that doing so doesn’t help a person move forward. When someone is frustrated and their emotions are piqued, thinking clearly about next steps is very hard. What’s needed at the time is someone willing to listen, and someone willing to assist in the unpacking of possible reasons for a block. Maybe, thus, offer up some quick wins and manageable tasks for going again. And, I am not referring to canned ideas we’ve all heard a million times over, and feature in self-help seminars. Everyone’s situation is unique. Sound bites are platitudes.

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Stagnation (holding patterns, or hovering around projects) can be a sign that the goal isn’t ready to be reached. But, please don’t say anything like: it’s not yet time, or, it will happen in its own course. (*Insert eye roll here.*) Instead, and this is an easy adjustment of words, suggest they look over the project to be sure it is in fact in order. Mistakes, incomplete/fragmented portions, better ideas (such as honing a plot), and insufficiency are always worth going back for. And, you know what? When you try again, your work will be that much stronger and you’ll be glad you had that block to help you get there.

I’ve watched authors accept the bad advice that you’re where you’re supposed to be, and then remain in a holding pattern for quite some time, awaiting a magical portal to open onto the next thing. When you suggest that someone is where they need to be, it implies that they don’t need to do anything, that the something that needs to change will do so of its own volition. Only then will they be thrust forward. Instead, they could have been given the amended advice suggested in the previous paragraphs, whereby the author becomes the actor in their success, and the necessary steps are taken. Hopefully those steps dredge up further steps still, and keeps the project moving forward. In other words, put tasks with quick goals in their hands, so they are certain to gain a win to counter the let down, propelling them out of their rut.

Bad advice creates nothing but a circle-jerk. It may provide a momentary lift, but essentially does nothing to resolve the issue. Although individuals are responsible for pursuing their own goals and happiness, when those you care about reach out, they deserve better than generic responses from. Being a help in these small moments could really be of service to someone. A great deal of anxiety and depression arises from the stagnation of goals and frustrations in accomplishing one’s goals, which have gone unresolved for years. Instead of reiterating another stale catch phrase, take a moment to think of something better. It might just be expanding on the idea at the heart of the idiom you want to offer, or going the next step.

Your effort is everything. Don’t be the purveyor of the worst advice.

In writing about feminism, there are so many points to be made and twice as many shutdowns from the power structure. You’ll often hear, well it happens to men too. Or, I can’t get a job or financial aid to better my position because I’m a white male and that’s sexist and racist. The statements ignore the privilege of being white and male, at best. My favorite shutdown lately is: We gave you the right to vote, what more do you want? Because, you know, being able to vote clears up all that inequality nonsense, except when you’re forbidden to do so by a controlling partner or family member, when the media conditions you to think against your own interests, and you’re afraid of speaking your mind because you might not fit in and all the hardships that come with that.

The anti-woman conditioning of our culture is really sinister if you’ve a mind to take a look down that rabbit hole. From objectification and stereotyping to female sales pitching, we’re saturated with what it means to be an acceptable hetero-female. She’s blond, busty, white and a virginal whore who will cave to the man who sets eyes on her first. She’s to care more about raising a family than cultivating a career and wearing pants is not feminine – it’s bras and panties or tight sweaters and short skirts, my dear. But, remember, what you wear is admissible at your rape trial. Yes, I exaggerate a bit, but when you boil it down that’s the meat and potatoes of it, and I have but a page to write this on.

So, what? So, this affects men just as grievously. I mean, we’re working with a culture who sees man as a raping bully. A go getter who will crush opposition and to whom all women will submit themselves. Boys are being raised to believe they’re these ‘heroic’ characters in video games and movies, standards which cannot and should not be met. I mean, really, can you imagine hanging out with that guy? Hyper-masculinity is — annoying, as much as hyper-femininity. It’s too much to either side of this made up spectrum. None of us fit these stereotypes.

What’s worse than that? When children are committing suicide because they’re being bullied at school for not conforming to these ideals. CHILDREN. That parents are allowing their children to abuse other children in horrendous ways, to the point of death, and turning a blind eye – because they think this is how things should be, and it is nightmare worthy. Barbaric. Are we not a civilized nation? I can hardly tell anymore what with all the bullying and police brutality, the men beating their chest for the right to scare some girl on the street with an off-handed compliment because he has the right to notice her and make her jump to his orders.

I was bullied growing up. A LOT. For example I laughed heartily when I saw a write up a few years ago from some online news site that spoke about bullying where the person said bullying happens an average of 1 to 2 times per month, and that was an outrage and high frequency. Try daily. I see the damages of that treatment echoing through my behaviors to this day. I grew up to experience abuse as a young adult. How did I survive? How did I cope? I was lucky for some reason. I can’t even begin to tell you. Something somewhere at sometime bolstered me — those tiny moments of sunshine or clarity; focus on a greater goal. That said, we’re not all equipped the same, we don’t always have the sight to see past the present, the capacity to endure. I have always been one to look to the future, and maybe that was the difference for me. I imagined a future where I showed them all and was free from their taunts. Now I can I wrestle the trolls like a pro and they resort to nanny-nanny-poo-poo tactics because I’ve cut their legs from under them with a few words and left them babbling infants. They taught me well. I run in to defend those being bullied with such force, the tables are now turned.

Ronin Shimizu, 12 Year Old Bullying Victim who took his own life.

Not everyone gets to the point I have. Many are lost. Ronin Shimizu is one we’ve lost to the bullies. The parents of the children who tormented him should be ashamed, because it is their voices that are being echoed through their children and it lead to this. (I wish I was present because I would have destroyed these homophobes in 2.1 seconds and kept going like a hurricane until they never dare speak like that again.) Will they regret it? Doubtful. Most are probably satisfied with the outcome. Those who remained silent, were complicit, accepting of the actions against Shimizu. But from what does this type of behavior rise?

The type of bullying Shimizu experienced is gender based conformity bullying. He participated in a sport that has been deemed a girls only club, despite national and collegiate teams boasting many men, straight or gay, on their team. The men’s sexuality is no one’s business and assumptions about it are based on the gendering of the sport. That’s right. The sport is gendered. Why? Because men like to fantasize about cheerleaders and when you have male cheerleaders on deck, then you have homophobic panic. That leads insecure hetero males to lash out lest they question their own sexuality, and reassure others of what they want portrayed, not what they’re hiding from view. The proof is there. Look at the professional teams who have a squad. Look at how they’re dressed, what they’re expected to groom like, and on and on. They’re fantasy decor. It’s too bad too, because cheering is hard work. They put in long hours coming up with their routines and keeping fit. Fit, not to have hot bodies for the viewers pleasure, but be able to do the work they love.

Furthermore, gendering the sport in such a manner demeans woman, and I’m not saying that wanting to be attractive or being attractive is a bad thing. It means woman is an object of titillation for the male spectator (no ladies, you’re not considered in this spectating thing), and that is her ONLY value. This also means that a man who wishes to take part in this sport is broken or somehow wrong. That he needs to be punished to be put right. And, that is what happened to Shimizu, that sweet adorable kid, who never had a chance against a culture that doesn’t prize his enthusiasms — a culture that treats women as sex fantasies when they fit the ideal or non-existent when they don’t.

All of this tells girls they’re worth less than men – we shouldn’t aspire to being doctors, lawyers and scientists, or even writing – because our value is the sex we can give men who want us. But the truth is, women are human beings, not objects for some man’s fantasy *&%$ team. Thank you very much. And if seeing a boy, or a man for that matter, on a cheerleading team leaves that viewer with that much anger and discomfort, then that is that viewers problem, not the team and not the man on that team.

Outrage against those who would squash children due to perceived sexualities is in the right. We should be disgusted by what happened to Shimizu. I mean, how perverse that these people viewed this child’s sexuality! Frankly, it’s perverse that people go around demanding conformity of sexuality and gender roles anyway. Citing the bible to do so–that’s even worse.

All I know for certain is that Ronin won’t be home to celebrate Christmas, or his next birthday, or get to college or find the love of his life. He was 12 years old. He loved being a cheerleader, and that was all that the monsters needed to know to destroy him.

Read more about Ronin Shimizu here: 12-year-old commits suicide, family cites bullying for being a cheerleader | USA Today.