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How did you picture your life as a kid versus how it turned out so far?
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If I had had foresight into my life, I think I would have given up a long time ago on everything. I’ve existed in this lifetime for nearly a half-century. While I see myself as well-preserved for such an age and experience, I feel completely exhausted and run ragged. As you’ve probably read in my other posts, I have a struggle with anxiety and depression, along with PTSD. That is caused by the events of my life.
From childhood forward, I have always hoped that bullying would go by the wayside. I was often told by others that it would. With the onset of the internet, it has only caused that to continue forward. My heart goes out to the young people who are bullied by their peers. Those peers come online and attempt to bully the world. What a miserable existence they live, too. Now, my hope is that they get the help they need, so they stop making others need help just to get out of bed every day. By now, in my life, I should have been decades away from that and, hopefully, healed from the traumas I incurred by proximity to sociopaths and narcissists.
They always find you, though.
I never foresaw me being a survivor of sexual assault, or having to deal with the trauma of that experience. Then there was the passive aggressive mistreatment of former partners. When it rains, it pours. But you learn how to protect yourself and how to spot them. You also learn to hold people at arms length with solid boundaries, whether they like it or not.
Before you try to fix the way I think, I warn you to resist responding. If you haven’t been there, you really don’t have any advice to offer someone like me. Furthermore, unasked advice isn’t welcome (with anyone, to be honest). My thinking doesn’t need fixing. It’s the result of decades of experiences and they cannot be erased by the absence of those experiences in another person’s life. Nor can the conclusions come to be dismissed by those without those experiences and the full knowledge gained over nearly a half-century.
Going through IVF to have a child wasn’t ever on my mind. I thought that somewhere in my twenties, I would stumble upon the love of my life and have a family. Call me a hopeless romantic, but don’t most people? I had no idea that wasn’t in the cards for me. Here I am at almost a half-century and still he hasn’t shown. You’ll never catch me holding my breath about it either. With my history, I am quite content to not deal with men in an intimate relationship any longer. The lack of respect and love is not worth it, and I have never found anyone seeking a true partnership. They rather have me adorn their life as a fancy showpiece that doesn’t talk until spoken to, and doesn’t ever have needs or wants, except to make them happy.
You might think that’s a cruel outlook, bitter, or maybe even cantankerous, but it’s not. It’s the result of very real experiences. Those experiences weren’t in my foresight. I didn’t bring any of it upon myself. However, those experiences taught me well to value myself better and expect better from others. Until that happens, there’s absolutely no reason whatsoever to compromise or sell myself out to not be alone. Although I have depression, anxiety, and PTSD, what I don’t have is loneliness. There not enough loneliness in the world to make me accept an abusive relationship ever again.
Yet, they always try to find me.
Now, I laugh and love more fiercely than ever–those who deserve such. I am brilliantly happy with my dog and my daughter as my little family. Honestly, I cannot imagine someone coming into my life at this point. They might f– it all up, for real–consider my past experience. No, I don’t think it’s wise to ignore that past. Those lessons were well-learned and they stay with me, not as bitterness, but as warning. I’m not about to bring such things into my daughter’s life just to avoid being alone.
I don’t fear being alone. That’s something I never foresaw as a child. I guess my foresight wasn’t all that good!
It’s okay. I forgive that child I once was for not seeing the path ahead. How could a child have foresight into a very adult experience? There is so much we don’t know as children and can’t even fathom!
Foresight would have been nice, though–because I don’t wish a great many of my experiences on anyone. Yet, I’m a warrior for pushing through it all. That said, sitting where I’m at right now, I can’t imagine anything better. The gratefulness that I feel for what I have and who I am at this point in my life is huge. The strength and proof of it is me and that small life I created despite it all. I clawed that out of the hands of despair, refusing to fold. That, you should know, I knew I had this strength since ever. That power and brilliance shone in my core even way back then.
I think that’s why they always find me.
Abusers are always out there seeking to feed off the energy and light of others. When you shine so bright and strong, it’s a beacon. My armor may be dented and a bit beat up, in need of a hammer and some polish, but it has done me great service. It feels like a warm, protective hug from a grandfather who always has your back. Those who know, know.
I believe in my power. I also believe in my foresight, which has been honed with use. The only tragedy at this point is that people won’t listen to me despite all I’ve gone through and know because of it. Maybe someday, as I can see it, they will take note.
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