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Do you think the child you were would be impressed by the person you’ve become?
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Little me would feel relieved by a lot of what she’d learn about her adult-self. You may or may not know that depression and anxiety are often a lifelong struggle. Yes, most of my childhood was happy, but there were traumas occurring that were taking my already susceptible physiology into a spiral of darkness. All of that converged to make me outwardly melancholic, but inwardly a hurricane.
One never really knows why they are targeted in life by all of these forces that converge to enact trauma on them. After all, we are too little to really understand the ripples that run through the world, or the established ways that result in such negative outcomes. It can feel like a target is painted on your back with no way to wash it off. Little me would have given just about anything to rest from the abuse of her peers, and to especially undo the darkest of traumas that reverberated through young adulthood.
To simply find out that you survived and are happy, despite it all, would be more than impressive to my little self. Assuring my little self that all of this would only feed into you becoming an epic person may offer the consolation it does now, which allows me to survive. To understand that there is safety and peace to be had and that I was not at all alone in my experiences would also re-energize my strength.
All the other stuff: the degrees and the books and the art–I would hope that little me would be quite impressed. I can only imagine that it would inspire her to study harder and do even better, which means I could wake up with a higher level of skill! Those butterfly effects…
There’s plenty to be disappointed in, too. It has taken so long to accomplish the little that I have because of being a target for ostracization. The family I had always wanted never came to be, because the destruction of trauma made it impossible, and there was no one in my path worth the time anyway. Realizing that you were not just a tomboy but a demiwoman, and that your sexuality would not be understood for years also because of trauma and bigotry. Then, there is the continuing struggle to find employment that not only suits our abilities but also pays the appropriate value of our expertise.
Still, there is a lot to be impressed with. My heart remains passionate for righting the wrongs humanity endures. The imagination with which we were blessed is still strong and now more informed with a vast breadth of ideas. And, we totally embraced being a nerd. Little me would love that I dye my hair a bright red, leaning into our Irish copper hard.
Little me grew up to be a highly intelligent human who solves a lot of problems for herself and others. She’s not afraid to try new tasks, although we still need to be pushed into a lot of them. The sum of all things impress our parents. Although we didn’t have that family we dreamed about–we did have our little girl. That mixed with a pup or two creates a perfect family.
I did great with the pile of garbage I was handed, because I found the treasure buried beneath. Even when the world set fire to my life, I put it out and built an empire in its place. Little me got laughed at and declared worthless by her peers but overcame. There’s a lot left to do, and we are on it despite them all.
Keep rising, Little K. The sun may set on you a lot, but you’re going to see how beautiful the night can be. You will build and rebuild better. Those who mean you harm will fail. Go little Rockstar.
I think that’s a pretty impressive outcome, and I am her–so, yeah. I am hella impressed.
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P.J. MacLayne says
I hadn’t heard the term ‘demiwoman’ before. Thanks for sending me down a rabbit hole researching it!
Captain Maiel says
🙂 You’re welcome! I’m so glad you looked into it. That’s awesome.
Richard Dee says
As I always say, you can only go forward and you can only start from where you are. I survived childhood, looking back, each thing nudged me in a certain direction and made me what I am. You can only really see that when you get to be old enough to see more of the picture.
Captain Maiel says
This is so very true. And people tend to be too hard on themselves with expectations and disappointment therein. We are doing the best we can with what we’re given!