This year marks my first official Mother’s Day (though I’ve been a mom to Miss Sadie for eight years now). I’m a MOM! I have no idea how that happened. I mean, I certainly pursued motherhood, and I was successful, but how did I become mom? Am I really mom material?
It’s too late to wonder now.
My daughter is almost a year old, so I can’t question if I am mom material anymore. Neither should anyone else who finds themselves in this surreal position. Perhaps it is in the moving forward without question that actually creates that sense of floating (like you’re a passenger in the car called life). I hope that knowing someone else is out there going through it will ease any fears. I’m going through it. I’m taking it a day at a time. She’s grown more precious minute by minute than anything I have called my own.
My greatest accomplishment.
Don’t get me wrong. I wax-poetical about Miss Sadie. She’s an amazing dog. I’d be lost and sick without her. Having a daughter is different than that. I finally understand, with context, that people say having kids isn’t the same. It’s not the level of difficulty or dedication which they insinuate is the difference. I’ve not found anything Katie has thrown at me yet to be worse than anything Sadie has saddled me with. Obviously that will change with age. The real challenges are yet to come.
That. That’s one of the things that I mean when I say it’s so floaty. I don’t know about all of you, but I find myself simultaneously basking in the immediate moments, while considering those to come. Now, this isn’t something that is new to me, but I’ve never had the stakes so conspicuously evident.
I don’t expect flowers for discovering this.
Being able to celebrate this holiday means the world to me. I am ready to be a mom. I wanted this so badly I couldn’t picture my life otherwise, except with great sadness (even after questioning my sanity of bringing someone into this nutso world). The weight of worry has merely shifted, not dissipated. I am a mom, a role that you continually become with every late night, every kiss, and every comforted tear, but also with allowing them to love you in return. Learning to be loved, not just give love, is floaty. Surreal.
I’ve found out that I matter a great deal to someone.
I guess the best way to honor the affection of a child is to do one’s best to assure they have all they need to enjoy their childhood, and prepare them as best as is possible for the future they will face. My greatest wish is for her to one day tell me that I made a difference in her life that she looks back on with joy. I’m not looking to be her best friend, but I am looking to be her mom.
Hoping for all of those trying to become moms that you’ll be in my shoes this time next year. To those who are already there: Happy Mother’s Day.