Can you believe it’s been a year? I can’t. I still can’t believe I have a daughter, even when I look at this little human before me or just her images. I’m floored. How did I make this perfect little girl from my imperfect body? And, if there are powers greater than us, why did they entrust such a special, fragile thing to me? Am I worthy? Holy cow, I got her to a year old, and I every night I lay there scared to death she’d stop breathing I prayed and prayed no ill to fall on her and help me get her clear to a year old. Here we are. Phew. Good job, mamma and baby. Now the really hard part is coming: teaching her to be a fully functioning human being.
You can guess that I am a total fan of my baby. I don’t know any parents who aren’t, although they are probably a lot more level headed about it than I am! They’re messy, silly, temperamental, and mysterious. I find myself googling far more than I am comfortable googling any topic, because it tells me I am really out of my depth. Cutting myself slack is imperative. I’m a first time mom, who had little to no experience with children growing up (did I grow up? Really?). So, I honestly deserve a pat on the back for having a happy kid, who’s developing on schedule, and showing some incredible smarts I’ll have to wrangle with soon.
My star’s first year is in the bag, and I’ve learned that I am in deep. I’m reluctant toward the future, because I am too aware of all the bad that can happen, and it’s tempered by all the good that I am planning. Keeping focused on the moment is the best way to cope with feelings of helplessness and fear. I’ve been handling challenges the best way I know how: roll up your sleeves and dig in. Mostly it turns out as my anxiety climbed and it was no big deal. Although, dealing with diarrhea diapers is not something I really want to continue (or any poops, to be honest). Many times, I’ve whispered, I cannot wait for potty-training. Then, I warn myself to not wish our days away.
A year has gone! I find myself half way to tears, knowing that the next 17 are going to fly away the same. I feel my heart tremble at the idea. How do you suck up the youth (Frank, Everybody Loves Raymond)? The best solution I found was taking pictures and video, but try to remember that you have that technology at the drop of a hat when you didn’t grow up with it. (This has saved my heart while mourn Sadie. Without the pictures and videos, I’d be a hot mess still. So, take those pictures like crazy. The haters can go scratch.)
A number of changes are coming, too. Not just in her, but around us. Sharing her pictures with friends online is going to come to a virtual screeching halt. It’s unfortunate that we live in a world where images of children can be misused. I’m sure my friends and followers will understand that drawing back is necessary. But, family will be able to enjoy most, if not all, of the photos and videos that I capture. And, really, that’s who those things are for.
In the coming year, I’m looking forward to her little voice sounding out more words more clearly. Pigtails and pony tails, braids and buns will adorn her wee head as we try out styles to find her taste. I can already tell that dresses frustrate her (tough to crawl in them), but she wears a proud face when she has them on. I’m already seeking out a paperboy outfit to let her try, and I will continue to introduce superheroes and dinosaurs, along with cars. There’s no limitations on what she’s allowed to play with, as far as gendered toys, because I don’t believe in gendered toys or clothes for children as young as my daughter, because they can’t communicate or understand these silly constructions. I’m also looking forward to my star telling me who they are, as we’ve been slowly getting to know one another over the months.
Over all, I am pretty excited to celebrate this first year. I went through a lot to be here. The choice was purposeful. Her grandparents and I are truly spoiled to have her.
Here’s hoping, as we transition from breast to milk, that there are no allergies. And let that be the biggest fear we face in your life, little star.